Forgiveness

On yesterday's Oprah there was this man named Kent and his wife and youngest son were killed by two boys that were hired by his oldest son to actually kill the whole family. The dad was shot in the arm and survived. He had made a decision in the hospital before he knew what his son had done, he made the choice that he was going to forgive whoever did this to his family. He wrote a book called "Murder by Family". He said something very interesting that he was only able to go so far and God had to take him the rest. It was such an awesome show because they even had a "secular" Physiologist on and he was saying that you don't forgive the action done but you forgive the anger you have for the person and that is the only way that you can get beyond that point. These steps are from Dr. Hallowell:

Step 1: Pain and Hurt
Dr. Hallowell says the first step to forgiveness is acknowledging what happened.

• Talk to someone you trust and open up about how hurt, sad or angry you may feel. Let your emotions out and don't apologize for them.
• Don't withdraw or isolate yourself. Stay connected and feel the pain, even though it hurts. With someone there to listen, the pain is more bearable.

Step 2: Reliving and Reflecting
Once you've had the chance to vent, you are ready to appeal to your rational side.

• Ask yourself: What do you want this pain to turn into?
• Look for the hook. Dr. Hallowell says the hook is what is holding you back—it's the portion of the misdeed that is causing you to hold on to your anger and resentment.
• Empathize with the person who hurt you.
• Remember that forgiveness is not the service of condoning. It's a service to yourself—free yourself from the poison of hatred.

Step 3: Working It Out
Dr. Hallowell says this step is difficult, but you need to analyze your anger and put your life back into perspective.

• Flatten the hook and rid yourself of the anger that is keeping you from forgiveness. Praying and mediating can help.
• Take inventory and give thanks for all the things you do have.
• You can imagine vengeance—just don't act on it.
• Think of your future. Know that you and your loved ones will be better off once you have rid yourself of any vengeful thinking.

Step 4: Renounce Your Anger and Resentment
Dr. Hallowell uses the word "renounce" because your resentful feelings may never permanently go away.

• Acknowledge that your anger can come back.
• If your anger does comes back, go through the process again and flatten the hook to keep moving forward.
• Try to teach others the skill of forgiveness in an empathetic way.